Dear Mystique,
What do you do, mystery girl? Are you from this world, or are you but a shadow cast upon us from another dimension? What do you like? Do you like to touch, to feel, to know? Or are you an eternal, ever living in a timeless loop? I am a child of this world, this plane. It's nice here, I can taste and know that I taste. This life, it is quite flavourful. Would you know it, that in this world, you can even use your senses to know another sentient lifeforce? Shared sense is something we independent beings can experience as one, we know ourselves through others, and we test the limits of our being by sharing in our senses together.
Someday I hope to exist outside of this body, Mystery Girl, maybe you will be there?
One of the fundamental aspects of this world is that the unknown cannot be measured in any way. It is fundamental, and quintessentially marvelous all at once. That we can never know how much we do not know means that there is an infinite amount of 'knowing' to be had. What this means is that no matter how much we search within ourselves to know who we are, the answer will only ever reveal itself to us in small bits and pieces, and the outside world holds nothing but the potential for discovery.
Imagine, to be able to discover and re-discover life, over and over again. To taste something new every day, even if you've already eaten. To love, and love again.
Time is paradoxical to us in this world. We, the forward walking, backwards thinking individuals that we are! We DARE rush forward into an infinite abyss, while looking behind us at each moment that zooms by. We, never knowing the present except for in memory. That is a powerful thought, for it describes the fundamental truth of the human condition. Acting, feeling, saying, thinking in the present based on all we know of the past!
Oh, how hindsight is a gift granted only to those who know how to think forward before acting! A gift so vast, so important that it allows this world, this visuo-physical construct, to mold according to our wills!
It is beautiful, this world of shared senses and self-willed action. I am glad that I am here. I hope that what lays in wait within the infinitum of non-existence can compare to the ups and downs, the feelings, the senses, and time itself from which we ourselves originate.
Yes, Mystery girl, I have learned a lot from this short lived adventure we call life, but the beauty of the unknown beckons... it calls, and I insist on knowing what it wants to tell me.
Enjoy the taste of each exhilarating breath! Not because each could be your last, but rather because each can be your first!
Nicholas
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
My moments in between customers.
I'm actually at work right now, I'm going to try and start a blog entry and see where it takes me. I'll put a little more effort into keeping a running story throughout my thoughts, but chances are that they'll all just end up being randomized by the gaps caused by the customer interaction.
It'll be hard, but here I go!
I just had an interesting interaction with some older dude. He came in, said hi, got milk, and then proceeded to dump his change, along with a couple dollars, and told me that he had some work for me. He was really calm, and nice. I swear, the older people are the most interesting people around here.
I counted his change, and left him the loonies, rather than take his loonies because it would be an overall easier interaction. I think he appreciated it. It's funny how hard work is noticed by others. Not that I do it often, he was nicer than most.
Which kinda brings me to my next customer, who entered as he left. Another old man, his name is Lionel, and he's the mayor of Saint Andre, the town in which I live. Nell, as most call him, is a successful retiree, a former potato farmer. He's always been extremely gruff, puts up a real tough front - like if you'd go astray in front of him, he'd get really mad. This guy didn't so much as answer my questions, which included the likes of, 'will that be all?' All he wanted to know was whether or not there were many people playing in the poker room. Again, old people are interesting as hell.
The next guy is the husband of a former teacher of mine. As I was punching in the items he bought (an auto trader magazine and a lotto super 7 ticket), nothing was really said in between us. All of sudden, as I hand him his change, and he mentions to me that his wife noticed me jogging earlier today. I smiled, not really knowing what to say, and he left.
You know, I'm starting to think that the mood I'm in depends mostly on how I want to see the world. Well, the world can suck sometimes, but only if you're unwilling to tolerate it. Learning to adapt and tolerate new environments is key. I suppose that brings me to my new thought, I'm leaving for Viet Nam in less than a month. This is the first time that I'm admitting it to myself, and actually really thinking about it. I'm trying to say goodbye to the things I will miss, so that I won't be too shocked by my sudden immersion in a whole new environment along Hanoi's countryside. Such things include hot, private, glamorous showers. God damn how I love those. Also, my dad's supreme cooking, he is in the restaurant right now, and he's preparing me a fancy dish of skewered shrimp and slightly curried rice. I will miss my mom driving me crazy with her insane motherliness. I WON'T miss the casual talk with the locals about how the weather is, though.
You know, I would say that a solid 78% of the petty conversation I have is all about weather. I think that, if ever I get done all of my grad school applications that I work on while on the job, my new project will be to run my own indiscriminate poll to see for once and for all, in an official percentage form, just how badly this job numbs my mind...
One thing I noticed about the weather is that it affects another aspect of people's lives around here. Now you might not understand this right away if you're not from a farming community, but when the weather sucks, people's mood's are doubly bad due to the fact that they work outside in potato fields. Seriously now, there is nothing better to talk about, because all there is to talk about is how the weather affected their day!
Hmph, probably too much stuff about work. Well, I am there afterall, and overanalyzing it is a good escape from having to live it.
And if you've read this far, just know that my title has nothing to do with prostitution.
Nick
It'll be hard, but here I go!
I just had an interesting interaction with some older dude. He came in, said hi, got milk, and then proceeded to dump his change, along with a couple dollars, and told me that he had some work for me. He was really calm, and nice. I swear, the older people are the most interesting people around here.
I counted his change, and left him the loonies, rather than take his loonies because it would be an overall easier interaction. I think he appreciated it. It's funny how hard work is noticed by others. Not that I do it often, he was nicer than most.
Which kinda brings me to my next customer, who entered as he left. Another old man, his name is Lionel, and he's the mayor of Saint Andre, the town in which I live. Nell, as most call him, is a successful retiree, a former potato farmer. He's always been extremely gruff, puts up a real tough front - like if you'd go astray in front of him, he'd get really mad. This guy didn't so much as answer my questions, which included the likes of, 'will that be all?' All he wanted to know was whether or not there were many people playing in the poker room. Again, old people are interesting as hell.
The next guy is the husband of a former teacher of mine. As I was punching in the items he bought (an auto trader magazine and a lotto super 7 ticket), nothing was really said in between us. All of sudden, as I hand him his change, and he mentions to me that his wife noticed me jogging earlier today. I smiled, not really knowing what to say, and he left.
You know, I'm starting to think that the mood I'm in depends mostly on how I want to see the world. Well, the world can suck sometimes, but only if you're unwilling to tolerate it. Learning to adapt and tolerate new environments is key. I suppose that brings me to my new thought, I'm leaving for Viet Nam in less than a month. This is the first time that I'm admitting it to myself, and actually really thinking about it. I'm trying to say goodbye to the things I will miss, so that I won't be too shocked by my sudden immersion in a whole new environment along Hanoi's countryside. Such things include hot, private, glamorous showers. God damn how I love those. Also, my dad's supreme cooking, he is in the restaurant right now, and he's preparing me a fancy dish of skewered shrimp and slightly curried rice. I will miss my mom driving me crazy with her insane motherliness. I WON'T miss the casual talk with the locals about how the weather is, though.
You know, I would say that a solid 78% of the petty conversation I have is all about weather. I think that, if ever I get done all of my grad school applications that I work on while on the job, my new project will be to run my own indiscriminate poll to see for once and for all, in an official percentage form, just how badly this job numbs my mind...
One thing I noticed about the weather is that it affects another aspect of people's lives around here. Now you might not understand this right away if you're not from a farming community, but when the weather sucks, people's mood's are doubly bad due to the fact that they work outside in potato fields. Seriously now, there is nothing better to talk about, because all there is to talk about is how the weather affected their day!
Hmph, probably too much stuff about work. Well, I am there afterall, and overanalyzing it is a good escape from having to live it.
And if you've read this far, just know that my title has nothing to do with prostitution.
Nick
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Today was a good day-
This is it, a new blog entry, a new space for me to expand within and hopefully grow. What better way to kick off a blog about my new life than by talking about the good in my day?
I woke up at 8 am to work. My parent's humble convenience store in Saint Andre, New Brunswick, is where I have been spending most of my days this summer. It is at this store where I do most of my work, such as grad school applications as well as preparations for my internship to Vietnam. Today, as I climbed out of bed and dragged my feet down the street, the bright sunshine and flutter of activity amongst the morning song birds forced me out of my semi-slumber. At times, being all alone in this small town can drive a person crazy, and when you have the moments of zen like I did on my walk, they tend to stay with you longer than usual in a place like this. The rolling hills, filled with blossoming potato plants no longer seemed like boring scenes from a horrible calendar shoot, but rather appeared full of life like never before.
At work, I set up my grad school applications, put everything into a meticulous order, and began filling out forms. It's oddly satisfying, knowing that the actions you take in the present will inevitably help you in the long run. Even though it's a bitch to fill out form after form, and to have to write statements of interest and thesis proposals and sort through countless essays you've written in order to pick one as a sample... it's still a good feeling to get it all done. Mind you, I'm far from it.
I finished work at 12. A nice 4 hour shift, giving me just enough time to sort through my papers and prepare myself for more work. Once at home, I decided to edit one essay that stood out as a potential sample for Dalhousie University. I wrote the paper about 2 years ago, over night actually, 16 pages long... and I got an A. It was for a fourth year seminar class in the History of Political Thought, go figure. Anyways, I noticed something really important then and there: my writing has improved so much since then, but also that it needs SO much more work. I used to be able to pound out my thoughts, but now I find myself struggling to make my sentences interesting. I guess what you write can only be as deep as you yourself are. Need to work on that too.
I then slept for a couple of hours. It's amazing how easily one can fall into a nap when there is absolutely nothing to do. I would hate to be rich and have everyone do everything for me. There is something to be said for sweat and tears, as satisfaction gained from one's
efforts is also a source of happiness. But today, between 2 and 4 pm, my life was boring as f*ck, and I needed to sleep through it.
I dreamt of forms and grad school applications. I've had better dreams.
Upon waking up, my brother suggested we go drive some balls at the range. I'd never actually done that before and took the opportunity to try it out. When we got there, we were surprised (and partly enraged) to find that the golf club had been turned into a bona fide karaoke bar. Some 50 year old guy was singing some terrible, un-nameable song from the 80s (the bad part of the 80s), old people were dancing everywhere, and being the only two visibly minorified kids in town, everyone sort of stopped for a split second to watch us walk through, unabashed.
We got our tokens for the ball dispenser and got the f*ck out of that place. We soon found ourselves all alone on a driving range, with sunshine, wooded hills, and a cloudless sky to accompany us. My little brother, Matthew, gave me a crash course on not sucking at golf, and proceeded to impress me with a fantastic drive. Wow, I'm actually literally having a deja vu right now... I actually remember typing this at anothe... oh it's done now. Right, where was I? Oh yes, my brother was awesome at driving, and me, well I swung and missed like 7 times before hitting the ball in the exact opposite direction.
By my last couple of strokes I was getting decent! Progress is the reward of hard work, and god damn it did I ever suck.
When we got home, I had some Pizza that we picked up, and proceeded to explain to my mother exactly what a douche bag was. Now don't get me wrong, that's not the kind of thing I would usually talk about, to anyone, but I used it to describe someone who particularly fits the douche bag bill, and she was curious to know why I always called people that.
After that stimulating conversation, I decided it was time that I live up to the expectations that I set for myself. Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself: gee, I wish I was more like this, or that? This has happened to me lately, I want to be more like I want to be, and less like I allow the world to make me. Confused? You see, I just got out of a year long relationship. I loved that relationship, and the woman who made it so great. However, for reasons that shall remain private, we decided it would be best to go our separate ways for now. This has left me in a rather delicate situation. I am doing my best to recover from losing someone so close to me, and I am also trying to salvage myself from the wreckage of a broken love.
Where does love leave you once love has left? Alone.
Back to my point about expectations! So, now that I am alone, I have to become someone who I can be happy to spend my time with, who I can talk to, and who will make me happy! Sounds insane? Probably is. The thing is, I don't want to be unhappy forever. I have my family here in New Brunswick, but I don't have any friends, all of my social outlets are in Ottawa where I left my life, and my hobbies, sports, and everything that made me me is no longer around. SO, this leaves me even MORE alone. What does one do? Well, I was depressed for a while, unwilling to do anything, or rather unable to do anything. I did not have the capacity to even help myself. I struggled to build the courage to move on, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, but I expected to jump back into life, ready for my next set of adventures without this woman who suddenly disappeared from my life... boy is that ever easier said than done.
However, that very same woman gave me some good advice. She said that I should take the time to write down who I want to be. I did, and you know what? It worked like a charm.
After that conversation with my mom about douche bags, I got up and went for my first jog in months. I ran through endless fields of potatoes on a dirt road used mostly for farming equipment. As I ran, I appreciated the natural beauty around me, and was also reminded of the wonders of simply being alive. I thought as I ran, long and hard, all about what it means to live and to exist. I thought about what I wanted, who I wanted to become, and how I would do it. I encouraged myself, I supported my hopes, and for the first time in a long time, I felt the absolute strength of will that so many philosophers go on and on about. I felt like someone deep inside of me was emerging, and it felt good.
Once home, I showered, and went to the store to rent a movie. I stayed a bit longer to help my mom close up, and then came home to watch Hard Candy with her. That movie is a blog topic in of itself, and so I will leave it out for now. Once the movie finished, my sister, who was hanging out with a friend, asked me if I could drive her friend home. I had a nice chat with my sister on the way back to our place. When I got in, I thought about playing a videogame before sleep, but decided that I would get greater satisfaction from creating a blog and writing my very first entry.
And even if nobody ever reads this, I am still as happy and satisfied that I did what I knew would be better for me, because in the end, satisfaction still comes from what requires effort and thought.
Nick
I woke up at 8 am to work. My parent's humble convenience store in Saint Andre, New Brunswick, is where I have been spending most of my days this summer. It is at this store where I do most of my work, such as grad school applications as well as preparations for my internship to Vietnam. Today, as I climbed out of bed and dragged my feet down the street, the bright sunshine and flutter of activity amongst the morning song birds forced me out of my semi-slumber. At times, being all alone in this small town can drive a person crazy, and when you have the moments of zen like I did on my walk, they tend to stay with you longer than usual in a place like this. The rolling hills, filled with blossoming potato plants no longer seemed like boring scenes from a horrible calendar shoot, but rather appeared full of life like never before.
At work, I set up my grad school applications, put everything into a meticulous order, and began filling out forms. It's oddly satisfying, knowing that the actions you take in the present will inevitably help you in the long run. Even though it's a bitch to fill out form after form, and to have to write statements of interest and thesis proposals and sort through countless essays you've written in order to pick one as a sample... it's still a good feeling to get it all done. Mind you, I'm far from it.
I finished work at 12. A nice 4 hour shift, giving me just enough time to sort through my papers and prepare myself for more work. Once at home, I decided to edit one essay that stood out as a potential sample for Dalhousie University. I wrote the paper about 2 years ago, over night actually, 16 pages long... and I got an A. It was for a fourth year seminar class in the History of Political Thought, go figure. Anyways, I noticed something really important then and there: my writing has improved so much since then, but also that it needs SO much more work. I used to be able to pound out my thoughts, but now I find myself struggling to make my sentences interesting. I guess what you write can only be as deep as you yourself are. Need to work on that too.
I then slept for a couple of hours. It's amazing how easily one can fall into a nap when there is absolutely nothing to do. I would hate to be rich and have everyone do everything for me. There is something to be said for sweat and tears, as satisfaction gained from one's
efforts is also a source of happiness. But today, between 2 and 4 pm, my life was boring as f*ck, and I needed to sleep through it.
I dreamt of forms and grad school applications. I've had better dreams.
Upon waking up, my brother suggested we go drive some balls at the range. I'd never actually done that before and took the opportunity to try it out. When we got there, we were surprised (and partly enraged) to find that the golf club had been turned into a bona fide karaoke bar. Some 50 year old guy was singing some terrible, un-nameable song from the 80s (the bad part of the 80s), old people were dancing everywhere, and being the only two visibly minorified kids in town, everyone sort of stopped for a split second to watch us walk through, unabashed.
We got our tokens for the ball dispenser and got the f*ck out of that place. We soon found ourselves all alone on a driving range, with sunshine, wooded hills, and a cloudless sky to accompany us. My little brother, Matthew, gave me a crash course on not sucking at golf, and proceeded to impress me with a fantastic drive. Wow, I'm actually literally having a deja vu right now... I actually remember typing this at anothe... oh it's done now. Right, where was I? Oh yes, my brother was awesome at driving, and me, well I swung and missed like 7 times before hitting the ball in the exact opposite direction.
By my last couple of strokes I was getting decent! Progress is the reward of hard work, and god damn it did I ever suck.
When we got home, I had some Pizza that we picked up, and proceeded to explain to my mother exactly what a douche bag was. Now don't get me wrong, that's not the kind of thing I would usually talk about, to anyone, but I used it to describe someone who particularly fits the douche bag bill, and she was curious to know why I always called people that.
After that stimulating conversation, I decided it was time that I live up to the expectations that I set for myself. Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself: gee, I wish I was more like this, or that? This has happened to me lately, I want to be more like I want to be, and less like I allow the world to make me. Confused? You see, I just got out of a year long relationship. I loved that relationship, and the woman who made it so great. However, for reasons that shall remain private, we decided it would be best to go our separate ways for now. This has left me in a rather delicate situation. I am doing my best to recover from losing someone so close to me, and I am also trying to salvage myself from the wreckage of a broken love.
Where does love leave you once love has left? Alone.
Back to my point about expectations! So, now that I am alone, I have to become someone who I can be happy to spend my time with, who I can talk to, and who will make me happy! Sounds insane? Probably is. The thing is, I don't want to be unhappy forever. I have my family here in New Brunswick, but I don't have any friends, all of my social outlets are in Ottawa where I left my life, and my hobbies, sports, and everything that made me me is no longer around. SO, this leaves me even MORE alone. What does one do? Well, I was depressed for a while, unwilling to do anything, or rather unable to do anything. I did not have the capacity to even help myself. I struggled to build the courage to move on, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, but I expected to jump back into life, ready for my next set of adventures without this woman who suddenly disappeared from my life... boy is that ever easier said than done.
However, that very same woman gave me some good advice. She said that I should take the time to write down who I want to be. I did, and you know what? It worked like a charm.
After that conversation with my mom about douche bags, I got up and went for my first jog in months. I ran through endless fields of potatoes on a dirt road used mostly for farming equipment. As I ran, I appreciated the natural beauty around me, and was also reminded of the wonders of simply being alive. I thought as I ran, long and hard, all about what it means to live and to exist. I thought about what I wanted, who I wanted to become, and how I would do it. I encouraged myself, I supported my hopes, and for the first time in a long time, I felt the absolute strength of will that so many philosophers go on and on about. I felt like someone deep inside of me was emerging, and it felt good.
Once home, I showered, and went to the store to rent a movie. I stayed a bit longer to help my mom close up, and then came home to watch Hard Candy with her. That movie is a blog topic in of itself, and so I will leave it out for now. Once the movie finished, my sister, who was hanging out with a friend, asked me if I could drive her friend home. I had a nice chat with my sister on the way back to our place. When I got in, I thought about playing a videogame before sleep, but decided that I would get greater satisfaction from creating a blog and writing my very first entry.
And even if nobody ever reads this, I am still as happy and satisfied that I did what I knew would be better for me, because in the end, satisfaction still comes from what requires effort and thought.
Nick
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