In another meeting:

Why do I always think so much during meetings?

Meeting in progress:

Everyone is gentle, unassuming, and nice. Smiles, perhaps forced, spread across the faces of those who would belong to SHAPC. I feel disillusioned.

Mrs. Wood, the representative of the Ford Foundation, seems to be well put together, and has probably had to deal with the same kind of things that I have over the past few months. I like people like these, I need them as mentors.

She has a calm about her demeanor, it puts me at ease. Her age shows wisdom, and perhaps patience the likes of which I have yet to attain.

I am upset still about the lack of appreciation which has been replaced by complaints. I wonder at the sorts of questions Mrs. Wood will ask concerning SHAPC – what sorts of truths will be revealed through questioning? Truth can be bent, twisted, and turned into a pretty little package. Will she see this?

I am tempted by the little red devil hanging over the left side of my arm. He is telling me that vengefulness tastes like a big steak with mashed potatoes and butter, with a little bit of red wine to help it sink into my stomach.

But I can’t. I know better – who would it help to talk badly about an organization that has allowed me to work for them? Sure they complain about me, without reason, without understanding me… but that’s not reason enough to sabotage anything they do.

How can I remain positive when a part of my consciousness feels betrayed? Complaints about my work and attendance were made to the head of my host organization, VPV, and this left a sour taste in my mouth as the complaints were not made directly to me. I come to work, do my work, and try to maintain a good relationship with those around me. I have never been encouraged or acknowledged for my efforts. I don’t expect people to throw flowers to my feet as I walk in and out of the dingy little doorway. Instead, I simply want to be respected… I just want them to notice the work I do and not dismiss my efforts as ‘not enough’.

What am I learning from all of this? Do I actually enjoy development work? Can I consider what I am doing actual development work? Will this be what I want to do in the long run, can I apply these experiences to an actual career in a similar field? I feel like I am occupying negative space when all I wanted to do was help! I’ve lost hold of the ideas and hopes that brought me here – instead I am full of doubt over the objective differences I can make in this office, for this organization, and (with a lack of challenge) for myself.

Enthusiasm has a funny way of fading away when the cloud of ignorance which gave it life is lifted by the clarity of experience. One thing that I am learning is how to maintain a sense of purpose in order to make the most out of this experience for myself, and no longer for everyone around me. I cannot control what this organization will make of me and my work, I can only decide for myself if my own efforts are – in my own mind – worth throwing away.

From what I can tell, the bad should be appreciated along with the good. That will be the attitude that I need to keep in check.

The meeting continues – we discuss the effectiveness of SHAPC ability to affect law and policy concerning the lives of Homosexuals in Vietnam when much of the stigma and discrimination is culturally based more so than politically. However, in Vietnam, with one party controlling everything, it is hard to discern any difference between the two.

One thing, apart from my lack of satisfaction, is for sure: I would love to work for an organization that acts as a donor or adviser to home-based organizations like SHAPC, I would love to work with or for someone like Mrs. Susan Wood. That, I think, will require some more time and a brand spanking-new Master’s Degree.

www.shapc.hanoiyeu.com
The website that I have been working on for this organization is located at the link above. I never made a website before, and I taught myself XHTML in order to do it. It took me about 2 months. Yesterday I found out that SHAPC was looking into having a professional make a website for them, even though I told them that I would work on it for them, even though I’ve spent hours and hours doing this over the past 2 months. The cost of a website, according to the estimate that was given to them, came up to 26 million Vietnamese Dong, roughly 1,500 Canadian Dollars. Free vs. a ridiculous amount of money for an organization that has to constantly beg foreign organizations for support.

Common sense is a commodity – something I have learned.