Today was a good day-

This is it, a new blog entry, a new space for me to expand within and hopefully grow. What better way to kick off a blog about my new life than by talking about the good in my day?

I woke up at 8 am to work. My parent's humble convenience store in Saint Andre, New Brunswick, is where I have been spending most of my days this summer. It is at this store where I do most of my work, such as grad school applications as well as preparations for my internship to Vietnam. Today, as I climbed out of bed and dragged my feet down the street, the bright sunshine and flutter of activity amongst the morning song birds forced me out of my semi-slumber. At times, being all alone in this small town can drive a person crazy, and when you have the moments of zen like I did on my walk, they tend to stay with you longer than usual in a place like this. The rolling hills, filled with blossoming potato plants no longer seemed like boring scenes from a horrible calendar shoot, but rather appeared full of life like never before.

At work, I set up my grad school applications, put everything into a meticulous order, and began filling out forms. It's oddly satisfying, knowing that the actions you take in the present will inevitably help you in the long run. Even though it's a bitch to fill out form after form, and to have to write statements of interest and thesis proposals and sort through countless essays you've written in order to pick one as a sample... it's still a good feeling to get it all done. Mind you, I'm far from it.

I finished work at 12. A nice 4 hour shift, giving me just enough time to sort through my papers and prepare myself for more work. Once at home, I decided to edit one essay that stood out as a potential sample for Dalhousie University. I wrote the paper about 2 years ago, over night actually, 16 pages long... and I got an A. It was for a fourth year seminar class in the History of Political Thought, go figure. Anyways, I noticed something really important then and there: my writing has improved so much since then, but also that it needs SO much more work. I used to be able to pound out my thoughts, but now I find myself struggling to make my sentences interesting. I guess what you write can only be as deep as you yourself are. Need to work on that too.

I then slept for a couple of hours. It's amazing how easily one can fall into a nap when there is absolutely nothing to do. I would hate to be rich and have everyone do everything for me. There is something to be said for sweat and tears, as satisfaction gained from one's
efforts is also a source of happiness. But today, between 2 and 4 pm, my life was boring as f*ck, and I needed to sleep through it.

I dreamt of forms and grad school applications. I've had better dreams.

Upon waking up, my brother suggested we go drive some balls at the range. I'd never actually done that before and took the opportunity to try it out. When we got there, we were surprised (and partly enraged) to find that the golf club had been turned into a bona fide karaoke bar. Some 50 year old guy was singing some terrible, un-nameable song from the 80s (the bad part of the 80s), old people were dancing everywhere, and being the only two visibly minorified kids in town, everyone sort of stopped for a split second to watch us walk through, unabashed.

We got our tokens for the ball dispenser and got the f*ck out of that place. We soon found ourselves all alone on a driving range, with sunshine, wooded hills, and a cloudless sky to accompany us. My little brother, Matthew, gave me a crash course on not sucking at golf, and proceeded to impress me with a fantastic drive. Wow, I'm actually literally having a deja vu right now... I actually remember typing this at anothe... oh it's done now. Right, where was I? Oh yes, my brother was awesome at driving, and me, well I swung and missed like 7 times before hitting the ball in the exact opposite direction.

By my last couple of strokes I was getting decent! Progress is the reward of hard work, and god damn it did I ever suck.

When we got home, I had some Pizza that we picked up, and proceeded to explain to my mother exactly what a douche bag was. Now don't get me wrong, that's not the kind of thing I would usually talk about, to anyone, but I used it to describe someone who particularly fits the douche bag bill, and she was curious to know why I always called people that.

After that stimulating conversation, I decided it was time that I live up to the expectations that I set for myself. Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself: gee, I wish I was more like this, or that? This has happened to me lately, I want to be more like I want to be, and less like I allow the world to make me. Confused? You see, I just got out of a year long relationship. I loved that relationship, and the woman who made it so great. However, for reasons that shall remain private, we decided it would be best to go our separate ways for now. This has left me in a rather delicate situation. I am doing my best to recover from losing someone so close to me, and I am also trying to salvage myself from the wreckage of a broken love.

Where does love leave you once love has left? Alone.

Back to my point about expectations! So, now that I am alone, I have to become someone who I can be happy to spend my time with, who I can talk to, and who will make me happy! Sounds insane? Probably is. The thing is, I don't want to be unhappy forever. I have my family here in New Brunswick, but I don't have any friends, all of my social outlets are in Ottawa where I left my life, and my hobbies, sports, and everything that made me me is no longer around. SO, this leaves me even MORE alone. What does one do? Well, I was depressed for a while, unwilling to do anything, or rather unable to do anything. I did not have the capacity to even help myself. I struggled to build the courage to move on, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, but I expected to jump back into life, ready for my next set of adventures without this woman who suddenly disappeared from my life... boy is that ever easier said than done.

However, that very same woman gave me some good advice. She said that I should take the time to write down who I want to be. I did, and you know what? It worked like a charm.

After that conversation with my mom about douche bags, I got up and went for my first jog in months. I ran through endless fields of potatoes on a dirt road used mostly for farming equipment. As I ran, I appreciated the natural beauty around me, and was also reminded of the wonders of simply being alive. I thought as I ran, long and hard, all about what it means to live and to exist. I thought about what I wanted, who I wanted to become, and how I would do it. I encouraged myself, I supported my hopes, and for the first time in a long time, I felt the absolute strength of will that so many philosophers go on and on about. I felt like someone deep inside of me was emerging, and it felt good.

Once home, I showered, and went to the store to rent a movie. I stayed a bit longer to help my mom close up, and then came home to watch Hard Candy with her. That movie is a blog topic in of itself, and so I will leave it out for now. Once the movie finished, my sister, who was hanging out with a friend, asked me if I could drive her friend home. I had a nice chat with my sister on the way back to our place. When I got in, I thought about playing a videogame before sleep, but decided that I would get greater satisfaction from creating a blog and writing my very first entry.

And even if nobody ever reads this, I am still as happy and satisfied that I did what I knew would be better for me, because in the end, satisfaction still comes from what requires effort and thought.

Nick